The political news desk here at Total Diatribe has exclusive and breaking news regarding Obama’s VP candidate.   He is a relative newcomer to the political scene, but has the potential to make a huge splash, his name is “Shutthafuckup And Pickalready”.  Although Shutthafuckup has little experience he does have a family history in politics as he is the first cousin of “Ilieuntil You Catchme”, and a lifelong best friend to “I’mfullofshit And Aliar” who has been seen everywhere around Washington these days.

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I was just on a long vacation, a very loooong vacation.  But it was a good vacation.  The problem was the plane ride.  The plane trip was from Atlanta to Philadelphia on August 1st, and if by chance you are one of the poor poor souls that happened to be on the plane with my clan, then please accept my sincere apologies.

The clan included myself, my wife, my 3 year old daughter, and my almost 2 year old son.  The plane had a 3 on a side configuration, my son and I were in the middle and isle seat on one side of the plane while the wife and the girl were sitting in the middle and isle seats on the opposite side of the plane.  Please see diagram below for a graphical representation of the hell that was a plane ride.

The day started out on a dubious note, up at 3:30 AM, an hour drive to the airport and a bitchy kid at the gate.  The boy was cranky, no, cranky isn’t quite the word.  He was fucking horrible.  After we got him into his seat and some fussing and complaining into the air, the fun started.  It began with a low moan that turned into a primal scream that came from deep in his gullet.  The explosion was like Jack Jack from the Incredibles, and a visible arc of vitriol sound could be seen from it.  After the initial explosion, he took a full box of animal crackers and with animal ferocity and strength he ripped the box into shreds showering the poor schmuck sitting next to him, myself, and the rows in front and in back of us with cookie dust and tiny pieces of shredded box.  Then he got bad.  He basically rolled on the floor for 45 minutes kicking and screaming in the most ginormous tantrum in history.  In fact he now has a record in Guinness, look it up, he’s fucking in there.

He was fine once we got there.  Little fucker.  And then somehow he could still make you smile after all of that.

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Jebus, that is fucking genius.  The title alone is worth the click.

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Dear Mr. Man in the Yellow Hat,

I have some words of advice and a couple of bones to pick with you. First off, what’s up with the yellow hat, shirt, tie, pants, jacket, and underoos? Yellow is the color of cowardice and piss… the man in black would be hella cooler. Anyway, we all know you have a creepy affinity for animals, specifically little monkeys. Another eccentric man had the same inclination towards wild simians, his name is Michael Jackson, and we all know where that led. I’m not going so far as to say that monkey love is the gateway to pedophilia, but it’s probably a good start. I have my eye on you.

This letter isn’t the forum to discuss your possible preference for little boys, it is to discuss your discipline problem with your little monkey. Your little monkey, named George, is very inquisitive. We get that. The problem is it appears that you don’t. Week in and week out, George finds himself in a situation where he creates a problem, havoc ensues, and then while George attempts to right his many wrongs, some sort of mitigating factor comes into play (more often than not, George is just “cute”) that makes the situation OK. You are apparently ignorant to the shenanigans and typically show up after the shit has hit the fan and find yourself apologizing to the victims of the mayhem.

I am placing the blame for all of these problems squarely on your yellow shoulders Mr. Hat. In nearly every instance, poor George was left alone prior to his getting into trouble. I’m not sure about the rest of the world, but if I had a wandering monkey that got into a ton of shit when I wasn’t watching, I probably wouldn’t let him out of my site or allow him to skulk around off of a leash or out of a cage. But you have left him alone hundreds of times with the probability of a shit storm at 100%. Mr. Man in the Yellow Hat, you are a fucking idiot.

We all know you can spank your monkey, but what GEORGE needs is some discipline. If he gets out of line, break a finger. If he does it again, throw him into the closet for a week without food or water. Third strike, back to the fucking jungle with ya. I hope this helps.

Sincerely,

Billymac

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Best. Month. Ever. Some of you choads probably think that December is the best month ever because of that stupid holiday, but you’re wrong, May rules. In fact, my month could kick the shit out of your month any day, I don’t even have to hold it down.

May signals the beginning of summer… don’t tell me that June 20th or the 21st is the first day of summer, I know that shit, but when you were in school, it was May. Even if your school didn’t let out until early June, you’ve checked out in May, and in college, it was May. The weather is right, not too hot, not too cold, the broads break out their summer dresses, it’s time to grill out again with a couple of cold ones (beers not icy cold bitches), and you just have this incredible urge to scream out “SUCK ME BEAUTIFUL” at the top of your lungs.

The icing on the cake for Month awesomeness is the fact that I was thrust upon the earth in mid-may. That’s right cheebs, I wasn’t just born I was created from a lump of fine clay mixed with gold, silver, platinum, wine, beer, syphilis, a retarded midget, and topped off with a pinch of bitterness and entitlement.

Anyway… May rules… later.

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Here at Total Diatribe, we strive to be “fair and balanced” (unlike those fucking choads at Fox News) therefore simply stating that “Republicans are Assholes” conveys the message that I’m an objective hater of our current two party system. Right? … Right? … (*** crickets***)… Listen motherfuckers, if I say I’m objective, then I’m fucking objective, it’s kinda like when Bush says that he’s “conservative” or “conscious” or “human”. Anyway, a wise man/doll once said:

See, there’s three kinds of people: dicks, pussies, and assholes. Pussies think everyone can get along, and dicks just want to fuck all the time without thinking it through. But then you got your assholes…. And all the assholes want us to shit all over everything! So, pussies may get mad at dicks once in a while, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes…. And if they didn’t fuck the assholes, you know what you’d get? You’d get your dick and your pussy all covered in shit!

So if Democrats are Pussies, and Republicans are Assholes, who are the Dicks? I propose a third party for the Dicks in America, and not one of those fringe parties like the Green Party or the Libertarian Party, they are not really Dicks (maybe wussies or cock-rings). A good candidate for the Dick party would be the Nihilists, they could put on a good show and fuck some shit up. I would love to help form this party, I nominate Bill Clinton to head it up… he’ll fuck anything.

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I was reading a CNN.com article about the new sinful behaviors listed by the Vatican this morning with my 17 month old son on my lap, when the whole pope vs. poop argument began (click here for full article).  This was the conversation with my son: I said while pointing at a picture of the Pope, “Look it’s the pope!”, he said “POOP!”, I replied “no, no… it’s POPE, not POOP”, he then started shrieking “POOP POOP POOP POOP!!!”.  I’m not sure who won the argument.    The article noted:

A Vatican official has listed drugs, pollution and genetic manipulations as well as social and economic injustices as new areas of sinful behavior.

Well holy schniekies batman look out for an avalanche of bullshit.  My head is spinning right now.   Drugs, what about alcohol?  Hello!!!?? wine anybody?  Pollution?  I’m sure the Vatican doesn’t pollute as it is a small city, as well as all of the franchise churches spanning the globe, and how long has it been that being a dick makes it a sin?  Genetic manipulations, since when has the church been afraid of science?  I’m actually surprised they didn’t make the belief in evolution a sin.  Social and Economic injustices… well this one just takes the cake.  How many millions and billions of people were killed and tortured in the name of God and the church over the years?  And the church itself has set itself up to be an elite society (and extremely affluent).

Are we missing something?  I know, how about the priests sucking on the alter boy’s peckers?  The article mentioned this:

Girotti said the Catholic Church continued to be concerned by other sinful acts, including abortion and pedophilia.

He said Church authorities had reacted with rigorous measures to child abuse scandals within the clergy, but he also claimed that the issue had been excessively emphasized by the media.

What was that?  I couldn’t hear you Girotti, I nearly drowned from a tsunami of horse-shit and was hurling up road apples.  Replace the words “rigorous measures to” with “covering up the” in the sentence above for a more accurate statement.

Come to think of it… I have a pretty smart 17 month old son.

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I’ve seen this particular meme all over the place, basically it is to sum up “you” with a song (this tracks back to Simply Curious). This one was a no-brainer for me, it’s gotta be Cooky Puss by the Beasties. In a unrelated post, Sadcox called me mean the other day in his comments whilst tagging me with a different meme. BTW I totally resemble that remark as well as a no-talent ass-clown, the problem is he tagged with a meme that I have to link to 5 posts about myself and my family etc. The rules are:

Link One: must be about family
Link Two: must be about friends
Link Three: must be about yourself
Link Four: must be about something you love
Link Five: can be anything you choose

My first thought, “FUCK, I don’t write about my family and shit”, then I remembered my stories from the road posts, all five requirements can be met with one story. Basically most of my writing is bitching about other people and all of the shit that happens around me, so that’s all I got, except one post about pissing out of my ass (and nobody wants to relive that one so I’m not even linking it). I’m also a non-conformist and have major problems with authority, so I’m not going to tag anybody with this meme, that’s just how I roll.

Anyway, here’s Cooky Puss, enjoy.

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I’m just narcissistic enough to google myself every once and a while. You should give it a try, everybody is doing it… it’ll make you feel good. Or, in my case, make you feel insignificant, either way you’ll feel something. I googled my real name (Beatrix Kiddo) and was rewarded with references of my father as well as an NASA astronaut. That’s cool right? Ok, so I’m not rockstar famous, baaallooow me.

Then I tried a different search. I searched for billymac. Guess what? There is a billymac.com! And holy fucking shit he’s a rockstar? Welllllll… he at least has a thing called “Billy Mac and his all-star party band”. Well shit. That’s got “SUCK” written all over it. To top it off, he’s got a theme album all about golf. Fucking Golf? Yep, he has a Golf album, do you remember in the early 80’s a little theme album called “Pac-Man Fever“? Now that’s how you do it, with songs like “Do the Donkey Kong” and “Ode to a Centipede”, that shit is hot. Not with songs like “Tee it up” and “Hit the ball”… I’ve officially found the lamest dude on the fucking planet, and it’s fucking ME!

FUCK! Okay, Okay, calm down billymac, calm down motherfucker, just take your pills!

So this song “Hit the Ball”… apparently it’s about golf. The lyrics are literally:

Hit the ball… go find it.

Hit the ball… go find it again.

Hit the ball… go find it.

Hit the ball… go find it again.

Oh my dear fucking lord…. that is brilliant! He’s fucking captured the game of golf in song! Don’t believe me? Check this out:

Sometimes it doesn’t pay to google yourself…

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Knock-Knock-Knock… hello?  McFly?  If you place chum in the water and then swim in it, you just might get eaten by a shark.  A tourist died yesterday on a “shark dive” after he was bitten in the leg.  Click here for full story.  The excerpt from the article below is a masterpiece:

The company’s Web site says it offers the opportunity to get “face to face” with sharks. The site explains that its hammerhead and tiger shark expeditions in the Bahamas are “unique shark trips … run exclusively for shark enthusiasts and photographers.”

To ensure “the best results we will be ‘chumming’ the water with fish and fish parts,” the Web site explains. “Consequently, there will be food in the water at the same time as the divers. Please be aware that these are not ‘cage’ dives, they are open water experiences.”

Brilliant marketing.  I wonder if these guys run any “in your face” safari outings?  They could dump you out of a Range Rover in the Serengeti wearing nothing buy a bloody steak vest, a head-lamp, and some Lion pheromones.  But be warned, this is an open plains experience without any shark cages or guns and shit.

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