Knock-Knock-Knock… hello?  McFly?  If you place chum in the water and then swim in it, you just might get eaten by a shark.  A tourist died yesterday on a “shark dive” after he was bitten in the leg.  Click here for full story.  The excerpt from the article below is a masterpiece:

The company’s Web site says it offers the opportunity to get “face to face” with sharks. The site explains that its hammerhead and tiger shark expeditions in the Bahamas are “unique shark trips … run exclusively for shark enthusiasts and photographers.”

To ensure “the best results we will be ‘chumming’ the water with fish and fish parts,” the Web site explains. “Consequently, there will be food in the water at the same time as the divers. Please be aware that these are not ‘cage’ dives, they are open water experiences.”

Brilliant marketing.  I wonder if these guys run any “in your face” safari outings?  They could dump you out of a Range Rover in the Serengeti wearing nothing buy a bloody steak vest, a head-lamp, and some Lion pheromones.  But be warned, this is an open plains experience without any shark cages or guns and shit.

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I read an article today about how Andy Pettitte (a baseball player for those of you who don’t give a shit about baseball or sports) was really sorry that he took HGH and then lied about how many times he took it.  I’m not going to wax philosophically about whether or not congress should be involved in sports drug cases (they shouldn’t) but I laugh every time I read or see these ding-dong’s on TV crying and apologizing with typically no other real consequences.  The worst may be a social shunning for a period of time, but shit, Bonds is still fucking around isn’t he.  Try this exercise on for size, it always cracks me up.  Take any of these cases (either performance enhancing or recreational drugs) and spin the perspective of an average Joe at your place of work.  In the case of Pettitte, he called a press conference in a tent, behind third base for Christ sakes, with his manager AND teammates Jeter, Rivera, and Posada there to support him.  They all hugged and cried and felt really good about themselves after the revelation (click here for full article).

Now feature this.  This guy you know that works the 2nd shift at your plant gets busted smoking weed, let’s call him Joey Bologna.  He calls a press conference behind line #4 with a couple of his shift buddies, his supervisor, and his union rep.  They all cry and apologize to each other and then Joey reads from a prepared statement about how he smoked weed only once or twice because he had a nagging knee injury.  Then he gets to go back to work.  That’s what really happens right?  In your dreams fuck-face.   Joey gets the shit-can and he and his buddies retire to Joey’s rusted-out van to burn one and bitch about how shitty their jobs are.  And then Joey can’t find another job because the assholes that just fired him won’t give a stoner a reference.

These prima-donna athletes fucking piss me off…

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George Lucas is cashing in again, this time with an animated film and then TV series based on the Clone Wars, click here for full article.  Most of you earthlings know and have watched his 6 docu-dramas called “Star Wars”, what a asinine name for a civil war documentary by the way (stars don’t fight wars fuck-nut).  Lucas spent decades as an embedded journalist who was supposed to be documenting our struggles against a fascist government.  What you got to see was a small slice of what he wanted to show you, and the bitch cashed in big-time.   Did this hairy fucker see dime one from the millions of dollars that Lucas sucked in from his movies?  Hell no.  Not to mention that Lucas was a high maintenance bitch, he was always bitching about the food and how we didn’t have bottled water and shit.  What did he expect?  A fucking waiter with some pellegrino and white linens while we are fighting with lasers and shit?

 Anyway, please boycott these movies, I spend most of my days bitter that he’s living the high life off of my blood, sweat, tears, and dingleberrys (you wouldn’t believe the size of them).  If he gets even richer, I don’t know if I can suppress the urge to smash his door down at the “Skywalker Ranch” (do you think he was banging that bitch Luke in the brown eye too??  I would guess yes), and rip his arms out of his sockets.

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According to a super-scientific poll of Total Diatribe readers, 38% of you feel that our great friend Huckabee becoming President is worse than going ass to mouth or being anally raped in prison.  No big surprise here.  Huckabee is so self-righteous, it has to be an act.  In fact, I propose that Huckabee is evil and quite possibly the spawn of satan or the anti-christ.  On that note, I never fully understood the concept of the anti-christ, so would life cease to exist like on Star Trek if JC and the anti-christ shook hands?  Anyway, I guess the point is, I think Huckabee is a ginormous ass-bag and it appears that many TD readers would rather be stuck in the ass than have him as President.

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Episode 3:  Back to the Quo

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Yesterday was Ash Wednesday.  I didn’t realize that it was ash Wednesday until I saw a couple of dudes and dudettes wearing their ash crosses on their foreheads with pride after work.  I’m a reformedex-catholic and I’ve almost forgotten the significance of some of these celebrations/rites/sacraments/sacramentals.  The two most important things to remember about ash Wednesday are: 1) Carnival/Mardi Gras is over (i.e., it is the beginning of lent), and 2) You are going to die.  Like I said, what a bummer.  Not only does it announce the lent period has begun, where there isn’t supposed to be any flashing tits, heavy drinking,  meat eating, or buggering animals, but it is supposed to remind you that you are going to end up like the ashes pasted on your skull.  Now as an ex-catholic, I’m allowed to view flashed tits (or flash my own), drink heavily, and then eat a great big steak after I corn-hole the cow.  God bless America…

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Episode 2:  Hiding the Pickle

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Episode 1: On the Campaign Trail…

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Yesterday, good ole vagina-neck Thompson dropped out of the race for the GOP Presidential candidacy (click here for full article). The Total Diatribe crack (smoking) action news-team originally broke the story of Thompson’s vaginal neck and how it would effect his voting draw in November. It now appears that Total Diatribe’s ability to positively correlate Thompson’s conflicting messages of an increase in the war on terror and the military industrial complex (MIC) with tax reform (cuts) and government spending reforms to his vagina-neck have created too much pressure for Thompson to continue in the race. The first signs of trouble were seen after his lackluster campaign placed third (basically a tie for third w/ McCain) in the Iowa caucuses behind Huckabee and Romney. Ever since then there have been sightings of a suspicious substance near his va-jay-jay neck. My first thought was, “holy shit, Huckabee must have banged him in his vagina neck! Sick!”, but upon closer inspection by the TD action news-team, it appears that Thompson’s neck has contracted a yeast infection and he has been treating it with over-the-counter ointment. I just knew the pressure would be too much for him, good luck to you Thompson, and please don’t allow Huckabee to get close to your neck.

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I received the Excellence in Blogging award from two visionary individuals recently, Hungry Mother and Mike the Spazoid.  Like I need them to tell me how much I rule?  Well, it turns out that I do need the recognition from time to time.  It all goes back to when I was a freedom fighter resisting this evil despotic empire (no it wasn’t Bush and Cheney, but thanks for asking).  We fought these asshole fascists for years, and finally blew up their testicle-like base in this amazing battle, so evil was finally punished and good prevailed.  BUT, when the time came to hand out the rewards and recognition, was there any room to recognize this hairy beast?  Hell no.  Those fucking choads took all the credit even though they bitched and moaned the whole way through the battle and training.  Fucking whiners.  But I got back at them.  I’m not particularly proud of this, but I banged their bitch, and it turns out that she was the sister of the one dude!  How heinous, and he totally slipped her tongue, I don’t know how he didn’t kill himself after that one.  We still rip on that little bitch for that.  Photographic evidence below… oh yeah, thanks for the blog award bitches…

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