Sumthin Sumthin #8 and #9 are now posted on the Sumthin Sumthin page.  Get some.  Now.  Seriously, what the fuck are you waiting for?

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When I say random shit, I mean random shit that trickles through my thick skull, not like randomly shitting your pants during meetings or randomly popping a squat in the aisles of your local Best Buy.  This set of random shit is what happens when you are bored and working out (from this morning).

• If you rip a huuuuge fart on a treadmill, your mind thinks you are crop-dusting, but you’re not.  In fact it doesn’t matter how hard you crank up the treadmill, you can’t outrun it.  Oh yeah, it also pisses off the old guy on the treadmill next to you.
• I saw Avril Lavigne in a video this morning.  She is looking like a total slut.  Sweet.
• The Santa Claus in both Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman is a fucking asshole.  Especially in Rudolph.
• Are republicans represented by red because of the huge redneck base?  Are democrats represented by blue because they are huge baby blue ball-babies?
• Sublime’s 40 oz Freedom is a great work-out album.  80’s pop, not so much.

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Sumthin Sumthin #6 and #7 are now posted on the Sumthin Sumthin page.  Go get some… and then some more.

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We’ve added a new feature to Total Diatribe.  It is a comic strip called “Sumthin Sumthin”, which ironically is completely and totally about sumthin…. and sumthin.  There is a new page dedicated to Sumthin Sumthin, the link is at the top right of this page.  There are 4 strips to date.  Later assholes.

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Let me paint you  a picture.   It is November 7th, 2000.  I am in Switzerland in my apartment watching one of the only two English TV channels available, International CNN, the other was BBC News.  Technically it was November 8th as it was around 2 AM, but who’s splitting pubic hairs?  Switzerland (or at least the area I was in) is 6 hours ahead of the US Eastern time-zone so it was around 10PM Eastern in the US.  Some frilly music and a full screen graphic fade onto the screen after a commercial of a naked broad enticing young German’s to call their “party line” completes.  The graphic says something like “Gore will be the 43rd US President”.   Sigh.  Ok, I can go to sleep now, at least we didn’t elect that ass-bag Bush Jr.   I wake up in the morning, scratch my balls a little, flip on the TV and another graphic is fading up with even worse music.  This one says “Bush will be the 43rd US President”.  WTF?  I get to work and the Swiss-German guys are all shaking their heads and taking turns walking into the American shared office, laughing, and saying “you Americans are so fucking stupid to elect that idiot”.  So today is bittersweet.  Finally an end to the epically worst Presidential run our nation will ever see, and a beginning of what?  Dunno, neither of the guys that will probably win will be able to do anything but clean up shit for the next 4 years.  We should change the title from President to Janitor or Jis-mopper.  Anyway, I’ll be watching the tube again tonight, this time in Georgia, just waiting for the MSM to fuck it up again.

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So I’m with my 2 year old boy at a local indoor playground today.  There are a million of these types of places around with the inflatable bounce rooms and slides and shit.  I’m generally in a meh mood because I’m even at the place, when I start noticing the other clientelle.  I’ve been at this place at least a dozen times, and the other folks were normally in the same socio-demographic group that I’m a member of,  you know, entitled assholes.   Today was different.  The first clue that something was amiss was when I caught glimpse of a bright yellow mullet out of the corner of my eyes.  I had to give a double take, the dude was in his 50’s had a bleach blonde mullet, and get this.  Feathered Bangs!  They were so impressive that they deserved to be capitalized.  He even had a long handled comb in his back pocket.  Then I start noticing middle and high school aged crackers running all over the place and jumping around on the apparatus (and scaring the shit outta my boy).  Typically there are 1 to 7 year olds there, this was something else.  By this time my redneck senses were going ape-shit.  Shiny light would blind me from keychains attached to belt-loops, I saw not one but two neck tatoos, and a pod of rednecks changed the channel on the TV in the parents area from Football to NASCAR… WTF!!  For some context, I grew up among the rednecks in rural Pennsylvania, only we didn’t call them rednecks, in PA they were called hicks.  Same difference.  However, I can speak their language.  I’m struggling if I want my boy to be fluent in redneck or not.  I think it’s inevitable, so I should embrace it.  I already purchased him a rusty Chevey Blazer with ultra-patriotic bumper stickers.  So he’s got that going for him… which is nice.

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Or GIMP in my case.  Hat tip to Newscoma who tweeted on this today.  Evidently there was a photoshop contest for altering a McCain tongue out pic from one of the debates here.  I missed the contest, but I’m posting what would have been my entries.   Check out the full contest, there are some hilarious ones there.  Feel free to Crank the pics with Photocrank…

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So I’m in Florida this week for a technical conference that is full of IT nerds.  A shitload of fucking nerds, geeks, and chips, dips, and dorks.  When I say a shitload, I mean a fucking shitload, like 6 or 7 thousand of em.  As I’m looking at this sea of awkward dudes and the occasional woman (btw, if you were a chick looking to get laid at this conference and couldn’t… then there’s no hope for ya) with disdain, it slowly comes to me.  I understand these people.  I kinda look like them.  I do the same thing for a living.  I actually like what I do for a living, and like talking about it.  I fuck around on my computer until late at night.  Wait for it.  Wait for it… Holy motherfucking christ on rye bread.  I’m a nerd.  Goddamn it.  Now I have to kick the shit outa myself.  Fuck.  What’s worse… I totally get why the pic below is funny.  FUCK!

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That’s right bitches, I didn’t realize it until yesterday, but Total Diatribe is one years old!  It came to me after reading a moooooooooog post over at Mental Poo, it turns out he is a year old too.  As an aside, I’m really glad that I’m just a year old, because I just crapped my pants.  And that would just be creepy if I was say, I dunno, late 30’s.  I could take this opportunity to highlight some of my favorite posts or brag about how great I am (I am great by the way), but the truth is, most of my posts suck.  I wrote them high on crystal meth…. or was that rock candy?  Either way, my tooth hurts now.  To wrap up this little gem, please vote for me for President…. I’m no worse than the other two assholes up for office.  Peace.

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Moooooooooooooooog over at Mental Poo ran into big huge labs and has been going buck-wild creating motivational posters, hilarity ensues. I now have a new 10th favorite hobby that I call diamotivationals, thanks poo-boy. Here are my first ones….

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