Don’t worry, I’m not turning into a sports geek blog, but I really hate this time of year in terms of sports and I have to get this off of my chest.  For me, the time between March Madness and the kick-off of football season is a dead zone for sports.  Baseball fucking sucks, the NBA play-offs are boring as hell, and does hockey still have a league?

As far as baseball goes, the players are pussies, they won’t play in the rain or snow (or if the ump farts too loud), and they are overpaid prima-donnas.  The league minimum salary is $390,000 in 2008 and the average salary from 2007 was  $2.8 million, seriously let that sink in and remember that 2.8 is an AVERAGE.  Compare that salary to yours and think about what they offer in return for such huge salary’s… entertainment, often times shitty entertainment.  Anyway, 2.8 mil seems a bit low, isn’t it time for them to strike again?.

The season lasts 17 and half years with a 10 year play-off, and it’s like taking a cheese grater to your scrote to watch it on TV.  Granted, it is kinda fun to go to the ballpark every once and a while, but let’s face it, it is normally just an excuse to get wasted.  I think the reason hard-core baseball fans are such fucking stats dweebs is because the game is so mind-numbingly dull that they have to fill in the time with worthless trivia.

Jebus… I can’t wait until football season.

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In a former life I used to play rugby, actually, in a former life I used to LOVE rugby. I played for a little over 8 years starting in college and finishing with a couple of mens league teams. There are a number of reasons why rugby rules as a sport, it is truly a team sport, you can have 5 superstars on a team and still suck if the rest are mediocre, and the camaraderie among teammates and opponents is head and shoulders above other team sports. I miss all of the social aspects of the game and competition (I’m pretty much the most competitive motherfucker I know) but lately I really really really really miss the hits. I miss taking out all of the pent up aggression of the week from work or school out on the sad silly son-of-a-bitch that was my opposite. It turns out, that full-contact sports are therapeutic, I tried to take it out on the cat as a substitute, but it’s just not the same. And after you replace 19 cats in a month, the animal shelter gets suspicious. Anyway, I’ll leave you with some of the reasons why I miss rugby, check out these vids, the first is a good compilation of hits (full disclosure for those of you that don’t know the rules, there are a lot of illegal hits in this video), the second is of the haka… enjoy bitches…

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My wife bought me a Bose “QuietComfort 2″ pair of headphones a couple of years back when I was a road warrior (no I wasn’t an Aussie with a mohawk that killed people for gas, I used to spend a shit-load of time on business trips). First off this product fucking rules, it makes most of airplane background noise go bye-bye and the quality of sound is excellent. So I’ve been enjoying these headphones for a couple of years and I’m pretty god-damned hard on most things (i.e., I can’t seem to NOT break shit like headphones, watches, balls, etc), when the plastic right above the right side snaps on my most recent trip to Vegas mid-flight. AND, it broke in the middle of the shit-tastic movie Jane Austin Club, personally, I think the headphones committed suicide because the movie sucked more than anything before… except Enchanted of course. Because I couldn’t find another set of headphones of better quality that didn’t cost my first-born, we went to the Bose store to buy another pair. It turns out that there was a recall on the model I had because of a plastic issue, and they offered to replace or allow me to upgrade for cheap. I ended up replacing it for free.

Let’s recap, 1) good customer service - they didn’t have to tell me about the recall and my headphones were over a year beyond the warranty, 2) free shit - they replaced the headset for free, and 3) good shit - quality product. That sounds like the winning combination for generating loyalty. Now I’m pimping their product to the person who reads this site, AND I’m listening to hard-core gangsta rap right now…. good times. “Fuck tha po-lice coming straight from the underground…”

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My wife and I took our not quite 3 year old daughter to her first movie the other day, the movie was Horton Hears a Who, my daughter only refers to it as Horton Hears a Poo. As a toddler learning to speak and communicate, this must have been hilarious for her. I can only imagine her thoughts of an elephant listening closely to somebody trying to squeeze one out… is the little log speaking? Don’t get too close, you might get Hershey squirted in the ear buddy! And then her disappointment that the fucking movie was only about an elephant speaking to a speck of dust. To her credit, she wasn’t overly anticipating excessive fecal communication or disappointed with the movie. However she was scared shitless of the Narnia preview. Overall, not a bad movie to go with a toddler, it was entertaining enough for adults…. at least it wasn’t as bad as that piece of shit Enchanted. 

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Hi… I’m in Delaware…  err I mean Connecticut.  I’m in the middle of a week-long business trip in the grand state of Connecticut, where they aren’t quite New Yorkers and not quite New Englanders.  They don’t even have a decent accent here, WTF?  Anyway, I’m in a suburb of Hartford which is nice enough, and I haven’t been snowed on, so I’ve got that going for me… which is nice.  One thing I’ve noticed about traveling lately is why the fuck are all of the classic rock stations in the country called “The River”?  I swear that just about every city I’ve lived in or spent any time in had a station called “The River” that was “playing the best classic rock to chill you out”…. bite me burn-boy DJ.  Anyway, we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled program of bullshit when I return to hot-lanta on Friday.

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I’ve seen this particular meme all over the place, basically it is to sum up “you” with a song (this tracks back to Simply Curious). This one was a no-brainer for me, it’s gotta be Cooky Puss by the Beasties. In a unrelated post, Sadcox called me mean the other day in his comments whilst tagging me with a different meme. BTW I totally resemble that remark as well as a no-talent ass-clown, the problem is he tagged with a meme that I have to link to 5 posts about myself and my family etc. The rules are:

Link One: must be about family
Link Two: must be about friends
Link Three: must be about yourself
Link Four: must be about something you love
Link Five: can be anything you choose

My first thought, “FUCK, I don’t write about my family and shit”, then I remembered my stories from the road posts, all five requirements can be met with one story. Basically most of my writing is bitching about other people and all of the shit that happens around me, so that’s all I got, except one post about pissing out of my ass (and nobody wants to relive that one so I’m not even linking it). I’m also a non-conformist and have major problems with authority, so I’m not going to tag anybody with this meme, that’s just how I roll.

Anyway, here’s Cooky Puss, enjoy.

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Guess what bitches? That’s right, we bought an iMac. I have to be honest, it wasn’t exactly my idea, in fact I bought it as a gift for my wife’s birthday (she’s so fucking old now). My wife is a much bigger techno-geek than I am, we have something like 437 iPods and iPod accessories around the house plus countless PDA’s, cell phones, DVD players, and whatever gadget you can think of. So getting an iMac wasn’t a huge stretch. What was surprising to me, is that the box that included the computer didn’t come with a black turtleneck, black rimmed sunglasses, and an application to go work at an ad-agency. I guess you were supposed to be wearing those things before you open the box.

What’s really cool about the machine (warning: I’m going to geek out here for a second), is that the operating system is based on UNIX. The iMac OS on our new machine is called OSX “Leopard”, and is based on the BSD flavor of UNIX. Click here for even more geeky information about OSX. So what? you may ask… well it seems to me that the marketing dudes over at Apple should be playing that card way more strongly than they are. They should be hitting up the techno-savvy guys that are tired of Microsoft’s poor software equally as hard as the disheveled hipsters in their ads. I don’t think I will ever be a complete convert, because unlike our retarded political system in the US, a person can actually be in both camps at the same time in this situation as tech is tech (i.e., a means to an ends).

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The sad state of affairs in the world today (especially in the US) is that consumers have been taught to expect really shitty service practically everywhere they go. A couple of years ago I got tired of constantly bitching and moaning about shitty service (and getting all pissed off about it) and began to expect shitty service in nearly every scenario. What I can’t figure out, and I’m being serious here, is if the service in this country is deteriorating or if it has always been this bad and I’m just becoming high maintenance in my old age and noticing it more. I can remember a bunch of “joe” jobs I had when I was a kid where I would get chewed out for the slightest offense. As an example, I remember getting lectured by this old manager for whistling while I was literally flipping burgers at a McDonald’s when I was 16, I thought the dude was a prick, but I stopped whistling. Now I go to a McDonald’s and the person taking my order is typically on their cell phones and roll their eyes for bothering them while they’re talking to their retarded friends and giving me change with ketchup on it…. and my arm sticks to the counter if I lean on it.

It’s to the point now that I’m genuinely and pleasantly surprised when somebody offers good service in situations where I don’t expect it. And if I get really good service at a restaurant, or if my kids light off a food missile, I will tip like a rock-star. Not that I know how rock-stars tip, it might be downright vile, but I pretend to be one anyway and power-slide to the cash register with cash stuffed in my crotch.

By the way, as a safety tip, never bitch about the service in a restaurant until after you get your food (or if you expect to return), it will have extra stuff in it when you get it back… seriously, it’s not just a joke from the movies.

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So I’m back from Vegas, I didn’t get arrested, ripped-off, taken advantage of, molested, or even corn-holed. Vegas just isn’t what it used to be. But, I did have a stellar time, and made a decent amount of money on the tables. I will give you some of the details below broken out by day, but not all the details because…. well because I said so.

Day 1: I arrived late, it was after midnight, I went to sleep.

Day2: I played poker for 14 straight hours, on the same table, in the same chair.

Day3: I played poker for 6 hours, took a break, watched a movie, played poker for another 7 hours.

Day4: See day 3, minus the second poker session, then I got on a plane.

Well that was just about it. What was that? Oh, you want more? Ok, here are some brilliant observations.

1) During my 14 hour marathon poker session, all of the TV’s in the MGM Grand Poker room turned to the local news with footage of the casino across the street on fire (i.e., the Monte Carlo). Nobody moved, the games weren’t affected, but here is my conversation with the dealer.

Me: Is that going on right now (me pointing at the TV)

Dealer: Yep, but it’s the back-side of the casino, so you can’t even see it burning from the strip

Me: oh… ok, no need to get up then… I’ll raise

So this is proof that I didn’t start the fire, and when you are gambling and drinking, nothing will phase you, ever.

2) Vegas is just an excuse for the ladies to dress up like sluts. WHICH…. IS… FUCKING… COOL! I never saw so much cleavage in my life. Ladies, please, from the bottom of my heart. You can dress like that in other places too, seriously, like Georgia, or any place that I happen to be. I promise I won’t call you sluts.

3) I like… no, I LOVE, taking money from punk-ass kids that show up to a poker room wearing a track-suit, pulled down hat, wrap around sunglasses, and listening to their iPhones at the table. Dudes, there are no fucking cameras (other than security cameras), you are not on TV, why the fuck are you wearing that shit? I think I was noticeably aroused when I busted out this one douche-hole that looked exactly like the guy described above. If you are so bad in poker that you need sunglasses in order to not give out a “tell”, don’t fucking play. The only guys that can get away with that getup are professional poker players, but they’re probably all assholes anyway.

4) I saw a 21 year old kid drunkenly stumble and fall in the casino bathroom and bounce his melon-like head off of the marble sink counter and then the marble floor. He was bleeding, slurring, and crying. I realized at that moment that I am really getting old. I realized this because I immediately thought about how many years have passed between now and the time when I used to do shit like that, except the crying part, I’m no pussy.

5) I’m really glad Vegas is a 4 1/2 hour flight away, that place is too fucking fun to be easily accessible.

More on this trip later… or maybe not.

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I’m outta here, I’m heading to fabulous Las Vegas for a three-day weekend. Suffice it to say, I will not be blogging while I am in the land of neon lights and hooker trading cards (just walk down the strip if you don’t believe me) and will return with a censored trip report early next week. I will have to honor the NDA (non-disclosure agreement) that Vegas enforces at the airport and won’t be providing details. This trip is brought to you by my wonderfully spectacular wife who in her infinite wisdom granted me the trip as my Christmas gift this year. The real trip is a weekend away from work and the kids so I can unwind. For that matter, it could have taken place in the plains of Kansas or the surface of moon for all I cared, the point was peace and quiet. Alas, instead it was Vegas, now that is some great icing on a big-ass cake.

Here’s me in Kansas wondering why the fuck I was there:

And here is my hairy-beast Vegas dance, which is a fusion of the truffle shuffle, the chicken dance, and the electric slide performed while on acid. Take care bitches.

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