There is something seriously wrong with me. I can’t stop laughing when I see this scene (click below). The first time I saw it, I literally couldn’t breathe and had tears streaming down my face like a little bitch. I still giggle like a school boy when I see it. I need professional help.

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The wife and I saw the film Stop-Loss this past weekend.  I had never heard of the term stop-loss before I saw the movie, it is basically the ability of the US Army to involuntarily extend a soldier’s enlistment contract past the initial end of service date in the time of war.  That is where the rub is, we haven’t declared war on Iraq, we have a nebulous war on terror (it might as well be a war on cockroaches or martians).  Overall it was a decent movie, it won’t win any awards, but it definitely gets the message across that our soldiers are getting fucked in the ass on this one.  When I say fucked in the ass, that isn’t just with the stop-loss, it goes for the whole nasty mess the assholes in charge of our country have gotten them into.  There is a decent comment thread about stop-loss on the movies blog site here, comments are mostly from military men and women.  I will leave you with a poignant comment from a soldier that is currently being stop-lossed:

I am grateful a film is out about the Stop-Loss issue. Many of us have been “Stop-Lossed” and sent back to Iraq after our contracts with the Army have been fulfilled. Some of us never came home. After having served my country for 11 years, it is shameful that we, as soldiers, are subject to imprisonment if we fail to uphold our end of our contracts with the US Government, yet it is perfectly legal for the US Government to not uphold its end of the bargain. We all accept and do what is required of us while serving our country. But when our “time is up” and “duty fulfilled” they force us back and demand more. Personally, I believe that President Bush, Vice President Cheney, and former Secretary of Defense Rumsfield, should be held personally accountable and legally charged for the death of every soldier that was deployed under Stop-Loss. We did our duty, now let us go.

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My wife and I took our not quite 3 year old daughter to her first movie the other day, the movie was Horton Hears a Who, my daughter only refers to it as Horton Hears a Poo. As a toddler learning to speak and communicate, this must have been hilarious for her. I can only imagine her thoughts of an elephant listening closely to somebody trying to squeeze one out… is the little log speaking? Don’t get too close, you might get Hershey squirted in the ear buddy! And then her disappointment that the fucking movie was only about an elephant speaking to a speck of dust. To her credit, she wasn’t overly anticipating excessive fecal communication or disappointed with the movie. However she was scared shitless of the Narnia preview. Overall, not a bad movie to go with a toddler, it was entertaining enough for adults…. at least it wasn’t as bad as that piece of shit Enchanted. 

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As a person I used to work with once said, “You have a head chock full of useless knowledge”, then she called me an asshole.  Anyway, I typically pepper most of my posts with random movie references, some fairly obscure, like “Beatrix Kiddo” in the previous post, and some lame-ass (like “I’ll be back” or “There can be only one” or “Me so horny”), but if you put all three of those together, it kinda sounds like a conversation I had with my wife last week.  Anywho, I’m going to count them up, lame-ass or not, and put a counter at the bottom of each post.  Try to figure out what they are, or not, what-the-fuck-ever, what am I here to entertain you?

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I’m a huge movie buff.  In fact I nearly despise TV shows, with a few minor exceptions, and will spend the vast majority of what little time I can dedicate to watching TV to movies (if that last sentence made any fucking sense).  I have taken the opportunity to list out my favorite movie writer/directors.  These are the few dudes that can boast full control over their work and most in this list typically write, direct, and produce their films.  In no particular order:

Kevin Smith

 

What can I say about Kevin Smith?  From the first moment I saw Clerks in ‘94 I was hooked.  He could write about monks that sit around naked under a vow a silence and turn it into a funny quirky dialog piece.  Smith is the guy who made Clerks on credit card debt while he worked in a convenience store and created a masterpiece.  We’ll casually look the other way on Jersey Girl, even Tiger Woods takes mulligans from time to time right?  His raunchy irreverent sarcastic humor feels like home to me, my favorites in this order are:  Clerks, Dogma, Clerks 2, Mallrats, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Chasing Amy, and Lopez chowing down on some man-juice bringing up the rear with Jersey Girl.  I’m looking forward to his next project “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” starring a recently signed Seth Rogan and Elizabeth Banks.

QuentinTarentino

In a word Tarentino is a genius.  His movies are nearly perfect (at least in my warped sense of taste) with stunning cinematography, soundtrack, comedy, violence, and unique ability to sense what is cool.  Which is an enigma to me, Tarentino comes off as a huge dork in many interviews, and yet he makes some of the downright coolest movies on the planet.   Many non-fans do not know that Tarentino also wrote True Romance (one of my all time favorites) and Natural Born Killers (which I’m convinced would be an incredible movie if Tarentino directed).   I recently made the mistake of not taking his latest movie Death Proof seriously as it was part of a strangely marketed double feature called Grindhouse with another writer/director Robert Rodriguez pitching in on Planet Terror.  Death Proof looked like a quirky throwback/homage to the old 70’s car chase movies, which didn’t really float my boat.  I picked it up on DVD a couple of weeks ago, and sure enough, another great fucking movie.  I will not doubt you again Q-man.  My favorites in this order:  Kill Bill (both volumes I and II), True Romance, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, Death Proof, Jackie Brown, Natural Born Killers, and bringing up the rear From Dusk Til Dawn.  I’m really looking forward to his next project, most likely called Inglorious Bastards which will be a World War II based movie.

Ethan and Joel Cohen

 The Cohen brothers, Ethan and Joel, have created some of the most unique and entertaining movies ever.  Going all the way back to Raising Arizona in 1987 the Cohen Brothers have been making great movies and regularly re-inventing themselves.  They run the gambit from dark comedies such as Fargo and Raising Arizona to quirky, fun, and interesting satires such as The Big Lebowski, O Brother Where Art Thou, and Ladykillers.  And now there is No Country For Old Men, an incredible crime drama that in my opinion is the run-away best movie of 2007.  I can’t wait to see what is next from these guys.  My favorites in order (list is not a complete list of their movies):  No Country for Old Men, O Brother Where Art Thou, The Big Lebowski, Raising Arizona, Fargo, and Ladykillers.

Honorable mention:  Guy Ritchie

As an honorable mention, because of two incredible movies, is Guy Ritchie.  Ritchie’s two incredible movies are  Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch.  These are very similar but different enough movies centered in the seedy underworld of London.  Both are hilarious and creatively put together and are in the same league as Tarentino movies.  Why the honorable mention?  Because of a steaming pile of shit of a movie called Swept Away and the fact that he cast his fucked up wife Madonna in it.  Enough said, you could have been somebody Guy, you could have been somebody.

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I went to a movie last night with my wife.  The movie was Enchanted by Disney.  I wanted to kill myself during the opening credits.  That fairly sums up the experience.  First of all, this was a payback movie for my wife, I had subjected her to an adrenaline filled suspenseful movie (I Am Legend) during which she hissed in my ear loudly “YOU OWE ME THE BIGGEST CHICK-FLICK EVER FOR THIS!!!”.   Boy did she ever collect on that threat.  I originally thought this was going to be a spoof on all of the sickly sweet Disney animated movies, but I failed to realize that this was in fact a Disney movie itself, first mistake.  The second, and fatal, mistake I made was to show up to the movie sober and without road beers.  When the opening credits rolled out the Disney logo, I actually said “Fuck, this is a Disney movie!!??”  My wife giggled at this, I knew I was in for a long session.  Full disclosure, I did laugh at a couple of the scenes, but that didn’t make up for pile of shit this movie is.  Here is the conversation on the way out to the car:

Wife:  “You really didn’t like it?”

Me:  “Nope”

Wife:  “Really?  I heard you laughing at some parts”

Me:  “Yeah, but now I have a vagina, I hope you’re happy”

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Not to be confused with Snakes on a Plane(”I’ve had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”), but in general, there is a very weird “something’s off” thing going on while viewing movies on a plane.  While I was returning from a business trip in California yesterday, the movie Arctic Tale was playing and it made me think of a story my sister told me.  When she was travelling quite a bit for work she viewed a hilarious movie on a plane, it was so funny that she told everybody she knew how good it was, including her family members.   Guess what the movie was?

That’s right, Big Mamma’s House.  After much feedback from her friends and family, my sister realized that this movie was not the genius piece of work she originally took it for.  This was the first tangible observation of what I refer to as the Plane Movie Space-Time Continuum.  This theory posits that any piece of drivel that is shown on a plane, to its very captive audience, will automatically be perceived more positively by an order of magnitude.  In other words, really shitty movies are tolerable or even good when you watch it on a plane.  In my own experience Miss Congeniality, Arctic Tale, The Legend of Bagger Vance, The Wedding Date, Dance With Me, and many other pieces of shit were actually enjoyed by myself on planes (full disclosure, I may have been wasted for some trans-Atlantic flights but whatever).

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