Euphemisms, I both love them and hate them.  I love them when they are sarcastic, funny, and a little nasty, I hate them when jit-bag politicians, generals, and CEO’s use them to make terrible things sound less offensive.  I have prepared a sampling of euphemisms, both my favorite and most maligned.

Taking a Shit

This is an easy category, most people (ok guys) have all sorts of clever ways to tell people they are going to evacuate last nights burritos, beer, and hooker spit from their bowels.  These are some of my favorite “taking a shit” euphemisms:

• Drop the kids off at the pool (my favorite for 8+ years)
• Piss out of your ass
• Download some brown-ware
• Take the Browns to the Super Bowl
• Visit the growler

Drinking and getting drunk

Another ripe category for interesting euphemisms as most people (ok again, guys) like to go out and get drunk and brag about how much they drank and got wasted and then passed out on the couch and pissed on the cushions.

• Got hit by a whiskey truck
• Went to the library
• Retarded
• Woke up in Tijuana
• Polluted
• Nicely irrigated with horizontal lubricant
• Church Key (euphemism for bottle opener, I can’t imagine a more appropriate moniker)

 Sex (including sex for one)

This list could last for days and weeks.  Especially with the vast amount of male dominated masturbation euphemisms.  What is the fascination with dudes and jerking off?  It is one of life’s mysteries, deal with it.

Euphemisms for sex with one:

• Fist Fuck
• Being rough with the sex stick
• Making the world safe for democracy
• Romeo and himself
• Double-clicking your mouse

General Sex euphemisms:

• Dirty Sanchez/Rusty Trombone/Donkey Kick/Chili Dog (don’t ask if you don’t already know)
• Toss the Salad
• Getting the VIP tour at the Neverland Ranch
• Bump uglies
• Dong-schlappin

Losing your job

Whether you are terminated for cause (i.e., shit-canned) or being laid off, there are several euphemisms for losing your job.  Most of these exist to make the company and the managers feel better about themselves and not feel guilty when running over transients with their Bentley’s on the way home to their $20 million mansion and their trophy wives.

• Downsizing
• Rightsizing
• Rationalization (newest bullshit buzz word for laying off people)
• Getting the pink slip
• Step into my office, you’re fucking fired
• Canned
• Let go
• involuntary separation
• early retirement opportunity

Religion 

Religious euphemisms and bullshit go hand in hand, how else can the religious leaders keep the masses under control and force some unpleasant and typically unbelievable cow-dung down their throats? 

• Religious Right
• Intelligent Design  (my all time most maligned euphemism)
• Purification of Memory
• 10 commandments
• faith-based anything (initiatives, politics, organizations, assholes, etc)
• Ethnic Cleansing

Miscellaneous 

• Friendly Fire
• Sanitation Engineer
• Smuggling Grapes (guy wearing a speedo)
• Shit the bed (for screwing something up)
• War on Terror

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