I saw a headline on CNN.com today that reminded me of a Daily Show segment called “The Question Mark” which originally aired in the Fall of 2006. First-off, this segment, as are many of the Daily Show segments, was genius, it covers the use of a question mark by Fox News, CNN, and other main-stream media shriekers of bullshit as a ridiculous ploy to raise alarm without any consequences of being unethical. Today’s headline on the CNN.com front page was “Is your money safe in the bank?”, click here for full article. Are these assholes so desperate for ratings that they would try to drum up a basic fear from the depression era? In the article CNN.com reports:

The FDIC maintains that not one depositor has lost a single cent of insured funds since 1934 as a result of a bank failure

Experts say you shouldn’t panic.

Experts may say don’t panic, but CNN says “RUN FOR THE HILLS, HIDE YOUR MONEY IN THE MATTRESS, AND RAPE YOUR CATS…. THE BANKS ARE FAILING!!!”. What a bunch of asshole, fuck-nut, douchebags. Please check out the segment below, you won’t be disappointed.

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Knock-Knock-Knock… hello?  McFly?  If you place chum in the water and then swim in it, you just might get eaten by a shark.  A tourist died yesterday on a “shark dive” after he was bitten in the leg.  Click here for full story.  The excerpt from the article below is a masterpiece:

The company’s Web site says it offers the opportunity to get “face to face” with sharks. The site explains that its hammerhead and tiger shark expeditions in the Bahamas are “unique shark trips … run exclusively for shark enthusiasts and photographers.”

To ensure “the best results we will be ‘chumming’ the water with fish and fish parts,” the Web site explains. “Consequently, there will be food in the water at the same time as the divers. Please be aware that these are not ‘cage’ dives, they are open water experiences.”

Brilliant marketing.  I wonder if these guys run any “in your face” safari outings?  They could dump you out of a Range Rover in the Serengeti wearing nothing buy a bloody steak vest, a head-lamp, and some Lion pheromones.  But be warned, this is an open plains experience without any shark cages or guns and shit.

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An upset customer shot at a Hooters restaurant in Knoxville, Tennessee yesterday after there was contention with his bill.  Unfortunately, this waste of skin killed a patron and seriously injured a manager.  Click here for full story on CNN.com.  What I don’t get is how this dude can be so upset to commit murder over a bar tab?  Especially after staring at orange and white cleavage and tight buns?  Sure, be an asshole and start a fight, but to be chicken-shit enough to fire your gun into the place from the outside?  I hope this ass-clown gets his in jail, and bubba literally breaks him in.

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Somehow, I don’t think the folks in these pics are worrying a whole lot about OSHA standards.

They earn my special badge:

#####

Who needs a stinkin bridge?

 These guys may be the biggest fucktards in the world…

 Well, almost the biggest Fucktards…

 Auditioning for the Michael Jackson father of the year award.

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The second chapter of “Stories from the road” brings us to Cape May, New Jersey on Friday November 14th, 2003.  This is the day before my wedding.  My fiance and I were living in Indianapolis, Indiana at the time, but decided to have a “road” wedding as most of our family members were from the New York/New Jersey/Philly area.  We love Cape May and couldn’t have chosen a better place to hold our nuptials.  Our wedding was held in a Catholic church, and to this day I can’t believe that God didn’t strike me down right there and then due to my fairly open view on how corrupt and sick the fucking church (and most organized religion) has become.  In fact one of my new, but now all-time, favorite movie quotes regarding the Catholic church is from The Departed in the scene where Costello (Nicholson) is talking to a couple of priests in a diner.  This quote sums it up for me:

You recall our chat? Little boys. Sucking on their peckers, etc… and so forth. I am as God made me. Is that your rationale? May I remind you - in this archdiocese, God don’t run the bingo. 

Enjoy your clams, cocksuckers. 

I have a chubby right now from that line.  But I digress.  Our reception was held at Congress Hall, which was quite frankly fucking awesome, and most of the wedding party, guests, and my (now) wife and I had rooms there the night before and night of the wedding.  Coincidentally, there was a film festival occurring the same weekend in Cape May and in Congress Hall.  The guest of honor (so to speak) was Billy Baldwin who was the star of films such as, er, what the fuck was he in?  Oh yeah, Backdraft and Flatliners.  Can somebody say “I peaked in the early ’90’s people!”.  At any rate, Cape May and Congress Hall were pretty crowded due to the film festival and let’s face it, everybody was there to see me.

As I mentioned, this story actually occurred the night before my wedding.  As most traditional weddings go, we had a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the evening before.  After the distaste of a church rehearsal, we had a lovely rehearsal dinner with a nice walk down memory lane in the form of a slide show put together by my father that chronicled my wife’s and my lives up to that point (which was mostly cute pictures of my wife when she was a kid and me acting like an asshole when I was a kid).  After the dinner, much of the wedding party and out-of-town guests “retired” to a bar in Congress Hall, which was a basement bar called The Boiler Room because it was in fact the old boiler room for the hotel.

I had several college friends in town for the wedding and a couple of them were in the wedding party itself.  It was a blast hanging out in the Boiler Room re-hashing old stories of how stupid we were in college and all of the retarded shit we used to get into.  One thing led to another and we started pounding a few beers which led to shots.  One of my good friends from college “Chops”  suggested that we all do a new variation of the standard tequila shot (you know with the salt and lime and shit) called the tequila stuntman.  If you look it up on wikipedia, this is how it is described:

A stuntman is performed by:

1. Snorting the salt from the back of the hand or by using a straw.
2. Slamming the shot of tequila.
3. Squirting the juice from the lime into your eye.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking, well actually I don’t, but yes, we are idiots.  So I tried to weasel my way out of it with excuses like “I’m getting fucking married tomorrow you assholes!” or “I don’t wanna”.  The problem is, I just couldn’t crack their argument of:  “Don’t be a pussy”.  So there I was, lime in one hand, salt on the other, and holding a shot of tequila, which I hate.  And I did the deed.  I would love to tell you it was cool or it was a great experience, but that would be lying.  It sucked.  I snorted the salt, which burned the shit outta the back of my nose/throat, drank the shot, which tasted like Mexican ass, and then leaned back and squirted the shit out of my eye with lime which burned like holy water.  So there I was burning throat, burning eye, and holding back some puke…. good times.  So we did a couple of em.

At this point, the film festival had wrapped up its program and the bar was filling up.  Guess who shows up to the bar shit-faced?  That’s right, Billy Baldwin.  Some celebrities are down to earth and chill, but Billy Baldwin was definitely NOT one of those guys.  He was an unadulterated douche-hole, that’s right I just made that word up.  He was hitting on anything that moved including a couple of girlfriends/dates of my friends, and had a small contingent of old lady wanna-fucka-celeb-hangers-on following him around.  The highlight of our “Baldwin Experience” had to be when we convinced him to do a tequila stuntman with us.  Full disclosure, he didn’t snort the salt, but he did the shot and squirted a little lime in his eye, so I’ll give him that.  The following pic is evidence of the Baldwin siting, in this pic, Chops (in red) is explaining the finer aspects of how you perform a tequila stuntman to a vaccuous Billy Baldwin (he’s the retarded looking guy in blue ).  BTW, in case you’re interested, the old lady wanna-fucka-celeb-hanger-on is in the background of this pic over BB’s shoulder.

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I saw this on youtube the other day, I think it’s been around for years, but holy shit wait until you see the kid in orange after 30 seconds or so, he is sick.

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Now the new and improved Techno-Viking includes captions so we can read what Techno-Viking commands.  Remember:

• The Techno-Viking doesn’t dance to music, the music is secreted from his genetically superior sweat glands
• Chuck Norris is a gaping va-ha-ha when compared to Techno-Viking
• Techno-Viking’s gaze will render all men impotent and cause them to uncontrollably sob with fear
• The Church of Techno-Viking (CTV) is now the third largest religion in the world and number one in Northern Europe
• Techno-Viking conquered Paris by lifting his arms and allowing the French to smell his fragrant underarms, which lulled them into hypnotic servitude
• …

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It gets worse and worse, the TSA confirmed today that MOST fake bombs made it through screeners at LAX and Chicago’s O’Hare airports over the past couple of years.  According to a CNN.com article:

Screeners failed to find most of the fake bombs smuggled by plainclothes investigators through checkpoints at two major airports from late 2005 until last fall, the Transportation Security Administration said Thursday.

Investigators successfully smuggled 75 percent of the fake bombs through checkpoints at Los Angeles International Airport in California, and 60 percent through Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport in Illinois, according to a report obtained by USA Today. In tests at California’s San Francisco International Airport, where a private company conducts inspections, 20 percent of the contraband made it through security.

I work in an industry where anything below a 99% success rate is a major problem, and I just can’t wrap my head around how ineffective the TSA really is.  To put this in perspective, LAX screener were effective 25% of the time while screeners at O’Hare were effective 40% of the time.  It is interesting that a private company had a much greater success rate at 20% failure/80% success.  It is clear that the federal government is over-matched, and privatisation is something that should be seriously looked at.  I’m not sure if everybody remembers but prior to 9/11 the screeners were private and the TSA was brought in with the wonderful Patriot Act and the Dept of Total Incompetence Homeland Security because they could “do a better job”.  Great job dipshits.

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First it was smoking bans, seat-belt laws and a myriad of seemingly benign legislation bent on controlling society at the cost of your personal freedom.  Now it is baggy pants.  Yep, baggy pants.  Are you serious?  As if there isn’t enough going on in our world, let alone our communities, that baggy pants are an issue.  All across the country these types of legislation are either in place now or in the proposal phase.  The elected officials are attempting to make a positive correlation between baggy pants and crime.  Here a couple of blurbs from a recent ABCnews.com article on the subject:

“If we have kids going around wearing pants below their butts, it’s not nice, not decent,” says Timothy Holmes, a city commissioner in Opa-locka, Fla.

In Atlanta, City Councilman C.T. Martin says he’s trying to raise standards and instill values in today’s youth.

“Bill Cosby started this conversation, and we let him down,” Martin says, referring to the comedian’s controversial criticism of the parenting skills, grammar and values of poor blacks.

Laws like this are extremely dangerous, I agree with Cosby, it goes back to parenting, you can’t legislate your way out of this.  Just because you wear a mini-skirt, it doesn’t make you a whore, the same goes with baggy pants (the crime part that is, not your inclination to be a whore).

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Ann Coulter made the news again Friday with her comments that “we want Jews to be perfected”.  Ann has increasingly said and has been quoted with absurd cartoon-like radical right wing sentiments.  Her latest can be seen in a CNN.com article quoted:

Asked by CNBC host Donny Deutsch what the U.S. looks like in her dreams, Coulter said it would look like the Republican National Convention in 2004

“People were happy,” she said, according to a transcript provided to CNN by CNBC. “They’re Christian. They’re tolerant. They defend America.” When Deutsch responded, “It would be better if we were all Christian?” Coulter said “Yeah.”

Deutsch, himself Jewish, continued to press Coulter on her remarks, asking, “We should just throw Judaism away and we should all be Christians then?”

“Yeah,” Coulter responded, adding “Well, it’s a lot easier. It’s kind of a fast track.”

“You can’t possibly believe that,” Deutsch responded. “You can’t possibly. You’re too educated.”

“Do you know what Christianity is?” Coulter replied. “See, we believe your religion, but you have to obey. We have the fast track program.”

In my opinion, Coulter is now officially playing a character, she is a satire of her former self.  Coulter knows her place and it is a niche that plays to the extreme right wing, and she knows this caricature that she is playing will make the press and sell books.  And, like Howard Stern, make enough controversy and the people that hate you will buy your books too.  I liken it to Jessica Simpson on her former reality show, she played up the ditsy blond thing for the cameras because it worked and made it popular.

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