As a parent who is subjected to a barrage of children’s movies, shows, songs, stories, books, nursery rhymes etc… I have come to question the validity of most of the content/material of these items, and wonder what the fuck are we trying to convey to our progeny with some of it. For example, in the infamous Frosty the Snowman TV movie, at the end when Santa and Frosty drop off the girl at home, they left her stranded on the snow covered roof of her house. Jebus Christ Santa, that is pretty fucked up, even for an old peeping-tom pervert such as yourself. We all know why you have a round belly and a red nose, you’re a wasted alcoholic and you and Frosty had to break out fast to finish your bottle of Jameson’s.

More examples include the ubiquitous nursery rhymes. Like:

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down and broke his crown

and Jill came tumbling after

What really happened is Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke crack and have unprotected sex (i.e., “get wet“). Jackie-boy was too fucked up to perform so Jill pimp-slapped him upside the head with the crack-pipe. Thus, Jack fell down up busted up his melon. Jill fell down too, because she was too wasted to walk down the hill and was rushing to go out and score some more crack and buy a new glass dick. She was probably going to have to turn a trick or two first, but I’m just speculating here.

Then there is this one:

This old man, he played one;

He played knick-knack ‘on my thumb’

With a knick-knack, paddy whack,

Give a dog a bone;

This old man came rolling home.

This old man, he played two;

He played knick-knack on my shoe.

With a knick-knack, paddy whack,

Give a dog a bone;

This old man came rolling home.

This old man, he played three;

He played knick-knack ‘on my knee’

With a knick-knack, paddy whack,

Give a dog a bone;

This old man came rolling home.

This shit goes on for like fifteen versus. I’m pretty disturbed by this rhyme on a number of levels. What’s up with the dirty old man? And WTF is knick-knack? If you replace “played knick-knack” with “hit me” or “spit on” or “jerked-off” this makes for an anonymous call to the feds or dateline. Also, this old pederast is tripping (i.e., rolling ) on E and fucking the dog? How is this good wholesome entertainment for the children?

I can go on for days about this shit… I will post some more after I scrub myself with bleach, these nursery rhymes are just dirty dirty dirty.

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Here’s the scene; you are in a pub smashed out of your melon, you retire to the bathroom to take a piss, you stumble up to the mirror, and realize that you are one good looking sumbitch (even though your eyes are mostly pasted shut, your hair is fucked up, you have food on your face and shirt, you are drooling a little, and there is piss dribble on the front of your pants).  In this situation, you have your beer goggles on.  Now extrapolate that out to the bar where you are now willing to hook up with anything that moves including a hole in the leather bar stool. 

It turns out that the good folks at Manchester University in the UK came up with a formula in 2005 that describes the beer goggle effect as a result of several factors (click here for full article):

Researchers at Manchester University say while beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder, the amount of alcohol consumed is not the only factor.

Additional factors include the level of light in the pub or club, the drinker’s own eyesight and the room’s smokiness.

The distance between two people is also a factor.

As a wise, ok not so much wise but typically drunk and funny, guy I knew in college used to say:

Beauty is but a light-switch away…

I leave you with an example from our good friends at Broken Lizard, it is a scene from their latest movie Beerfest, enjoy:

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Once again, don’t break the first and second rules of drinking.  Do NOT allow your friends to see you passed out.  Some people learn the hard way….

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Letting kids drink early reduces binging…. Where was this shit when I was growing up?  I learned to drink like the rest of us, puking on grain punch at a college party in 8th grade (that’s normal right?).  On the surface this seems to make sense as many You’re-a-peein nations subscribe to this philosophy with some success, Germany doesn’t count.  On the other hand, can you imagine the “cool” parents that will abuse this philosophy?  (I’m looking at you West Virginia and Mississippi).

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