Aug 13 2008
I’m back motherfuckers
I was just on a long vacation, a very loooong vacation. But it was a good vacation. The problem was the plane ride. The plane trip was from Atlanta to Philadelphia on August 1st, and if by chance you are one of the poor poor souls that happened to be on the plane with my clan, then please accept my sincere apologies.
The clan included myself, my wife, my 3 year old daughter, and my almost 2 year old son. The plane had a 3 on a side configuration, my son and I were in the middle and isle seat on one side of the plane while the wife and the girl were sitting in the middle and isle seats on the opposite side of the plane. Please see diagram below for a graphical representation of the hell that was a plane ride.
The day started out on a dubious note, up at 3:30 AM, an hour drive to the airport and a bitchy kid at the gate. The boy was cranky, no, cranky isn’t quite the word. He was fucking horrible. After we got him into his seat and some fussing and complaining into the air, the fun started. It began with a low moan that turned into a primal scream that came from deep in his gullet. The explosion was like Jack Jack from the Incredibles, and a visible arc of vitriol sound could be seen from it. After the initial explosion, he took a full box of animal crackers and with animal ferocity and strength he ripped the box into shreds showering the poor schmuck sitting next to him, myself, and the rows in front and in back of us with cookie dust and tiny pieces of shredded box. Then he got bad. He basically rolled on the floor for 45 minutes kicking and screaming in the most ginormous tantrum in history. In fact he now has a record in Guinness, look it up, he’s fucking in there.
He was fine once we got there. Little fucker. And then somehow he could still make you smile after all of that.
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NOTE TO SELF: Get off the flight if you see the Nerf Herder & mini Nerf Herders.
Oh my gawd. Reason # (insert really high ridiculous figure here) for me NEVER having children. Glad you made it out alive.
Cheers!
Did you pretend like you weren’t with him?
Hey
Do wookie kids look more like chimps or benobo’s?
Awesome! All those other people on the plane have done something in their lives to deserve that, and I’m glad they got what was coming to them.
I wouldn’t recommend my wife’s former strategy. It consisted of stuffing the kid full of juice and snacks to keep her happy/quiet. It resulted in projectile vomiting two minutes after take off all over my wife and kid. I was across the aisle (with the kid who didn’t throw up) trying to ignore the vomit stench pretending like I didn’t know either of them. Did I mention it was Father’s Day?
Couldn’t stop laughing… the curse continues…your description of the flight was great