It’s Friday…  Photo caption contest.  This time try to use the photocrank tool on the picture as well as the comments, the photocrank stuff has a lot of potential.  To use it just click on the blue plus sign on the picture (lower right side of picture), it will bring up a menu system and then you can crank away (on the picture not yourself, unless you really want to, just don’t tell me about it)…

Have fun!

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I saw a headline on CNN.com today that reminded me of a Daily Show segment called “The Question Mark” which originally aired in the Fall of 2006. First-off, this segment, as are many of the Daily Show segments, was genius, it covers the use of a question mark by Fox News, CNN, and other main-stream media shriekers of bullshit as a ridiculous ploy to raise alarm without any consequences of being unethical. Today’s headline on the CNN.com front page was “Is your money safe in the bank?”, click here for full article. Are these assholes so desperate for ratings that they would try to drum up a basic fear from the depression era? In the article CNN.com reports:

The FDIC maintains that not one depositor has lost a single cent of insured funds since 1934 as a result of a bank failure

Experts say you shouldn’t panic.

Experts may say don’t panic, but CNN says “RUN FOR THE HILLS, HIDE YOUR MONEY IN THE MATTRESS, AND RAPE YOUR CATS…. THE BANKS ARE FAILING!!!”. What a bunch of asshole, fuck-nut, douchebags. Please check out the segment below, you won’t be disappointed.

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Knock-Knock-Knock… hello?  McFly?  If you place chum in the water and then swim in it, you just might get eaten by a shark.  A tourist died yesterday on a “shark dive” after he was bitten in the leg.  Click here for full story.  The excerpt from the article below is a masterpiece:

The company’s Web site says it offers the opportunity to get “face to face” with sharks. The site explains that its hammerhead and tiger shark expeditions in the Bahamas are “unique shark trips … run exclusively for shark enthusiasts and photographers.”

To ensure “the best results we will be ‘chumming’ the water with fish and fish parts,” the Web site explains. “Consequently, there will be food in the water at the same time as the divers. Please be aware that these are not ‘cage’ dives, they are open water experiences.”

Brilliant marketing.  I wonder if these guys run any “in your face” safari outings?  They could dump you out of a Range Rover in the Serengeti wearing nothing buy a bloody steak vest, a head-lamp, and some Lion pheromones.  But be warned, this is an open plains experience without any shark cages or guns and shit.

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Guess what bitches? That’s right, we bought an iMac. I have to be honest, it wasn’t exactly my idea, in fact I bought it as a gift for my wife’s birthday (she’s so fucking old now). My wife is a much bigger techno-geek than I am, we have something like 437 iPods and iPod accessories around the house plus countless PDA’s, cell phones, DVD players, and whatever gadget you can think of. So getting an iMac wasn’t a huge stretch. What was surprising to me, is that the box that included the computer didn’t come with a black turtleneck, black rimmed sunglasses, and an application to go work at an ad-agency. I guess you were supposed to be wearing those things before you open the box.

What’s really cool about the machine (warning: I’m going to geek out here for a second), is that the operating system is based on UNIX. The iMac OS on our new machine is called OSX “Leopard”, and is based on the BSD flavor of UNIX. Click here for even more geeky information about OSX. So what? you may ask… well it seems to me that the marketing dudes over at Apple should be playing that card way more strongly than they are. They should be hitting up the techno-savvy guys that are tired of Microsoft’s poor software equally as hard as the disheveled hipsters in their ads. I don’t think I will ever be a complete convert, because unlike our retarded political system in the US, a person can actually be in both camps at the same time in this situation as tech is tech (i.e., a means to an ends).

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It’s Friday…  Photo caption contest.  This time try to use the photocrank tool on the picture as well as the comments, the photocrank stuff has a lot of potential.  To use it just click on the blue plus sign on the picture (lower right side of picture), it will bring up a menu system and then you can crank away (on the picture not yourself, unless you really want to, just don’t tell me about it)…

Have fun!

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The sad state of affairs in the world today (especially in the US) is that consumers have been taught to expect really shitty service practically everywhere they go. A couple of years ago I got tired of constantly bitching and moaning about shitty service (and getting all pissed off about it) and began to expect shitty service in nearly every scenario. What I can’t figure out, and I’m being serious here, is if the service in this country is deteriorating or if it has always been this bad and I’m just becoming high maintenance in my old age and noticing it more. I can remember a bunch of “joe” jobs I had when I was a kid where I would get chewed out for the slightest offense. As an example, I remember getting lectured by this old manager for whistling while I was literally flipping burgers at a McDonald’s when I was 16, I thought the dude was a prick, but I stopped whistling. Now I go to a McDonald’s and the person taking my order is typically on their cell phones and roll their eyes for bothering them while they’re talking to their retarded friends and giving me change with ketchup on it…. and my arm sticks to the counter if I lean on it.

It’s to the point now that I’m genuinely and pleasantly surprised when somebody offers good service in situations where I don’t expect it. And if I get really good service at a restaurant, or if my kids light off a food missile, I will tip like a rock-star. Not that I know how rock-stars tip, it might be downright vile, but I pretend to be one anyway and power-slide to the cash register with cash stuffed in my crotch.

By the way, as a safety tip, never bitch about the service in a restaurant until after you get your food (or if you expect to return), it will have extra stuff in it when you get it back… seriously, it’s not just a joke from the movies.

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I read an article today about how Andy Pettitte (a baseball player for those of you who don’t give a shit about baseball or sports) was really sorry that he took HGH and then lied about how many times he took it.  I’m not going to wax philosophically about whether or not congress should be involved in sports drug cases (they shouldn’t) but I laugh every time I read or see these ding-dong’s on TV crying and apologizing with typically no other real consequences.  The worst may be a social shunning for a period of time, but shit, Bonds is still fucking around isn’t he.  Try this exercise on for size, it always cracks me up.  Take any of these cases (either performance enhancing or recreational drugs) and spin the perspective of an average Joe at your place of work.  In the case of Pettitte, he called a press conference in a tent, behind third base for Christ sakes, with his manager AND teammates Jeter, Rivera, and Posada there to support him.  They all hugged and cried and felt really good about themselves after the revelation (click here for full article).

Now feature this.  This guy you know that works the 2nd shift at your plant gets busted smoking weed, let’s call him Joey Bologna.  He calls a press conference behind line #4 with a couple of his shift buddies, his supervisor, and his union rep.  They all cry and apologize to each other and then Joey reads from a prepared statement about how he smoked weed only once or twice because he had a nagging knee injury.  Then he gets to go back to work.  That’s what really happens right?  In your dreams fuck-face.   Joey gets the shit-can and he and his buddies retire to Joey’s rusted-out van to burn one and bitch about how shitty their jobs are.  And then Joey can’t find another job because the assholes that just fired him won’t give a stoner a reference.

These prima-donna athletes fucking piss me off…

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I’m going to try something new on my site… if it gets too annoying (to me) or burdensome, then I’m going to shit-can it to the curb, but so far it seems to be a pretty cool little widget/service.  It’s called Photocrank, it allows readers to add content to the pictures on your site and will work particularly well with the photo caption contests.  I heard about this from Christyn who shot me an email about it, evidently she works over there @ Photocrank and thought it might work on Totaldiatribe.  Let’s just hope that Photocrank doesn’t have any obscenity or content hangups.  Let me know what you think…

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George Lucas is cashing in again, this time with an animated film and then TV series based on the Clone Wars, click here for full article.  Most of you earthlings know and have watched his 6 docu-dramas called “Star Wars”, what a asinine name for a civil war documentary by the way (stars don’t fight wars fuck-nut).  Lucas spent decades as an embedded journalist who was supposed to be documenting our struggles against a fascist government.  What you got to see was a small slice of what he wanted to show you, and the bitch cashed in big-time.   Did this hairy fucker see dime one from the millions of dollars that Lucas sucked in from his movies?  Hell no.  Not to mention that Lucas was a high maintenance bitch, he was always bitching about the food and how we didn’t have bottled water and shit.  What did he expect?  A fucking waiter with some pellegrino and white linens while we are fighting with lasers and shit?

 Anyway, please boycott these movies, I spend most of my days bitter that he’s living the high life off of my blood, sweat, tears, and dingleberrys (you wouldn’t believe the size of them).  If he gets even richer, I don’t know if I can suppress the urge to smash his door down at the “Skywalker Ranch” (do you think he was banging that bitch Luke in the brown eye too??  I would guess yes), and rip his arms out of his sockets.

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According to a super-scientific poll of Total Diatribe readers, 38% of you feel that our great friend Huckabee becoming President is worse than going ass to mouth or being anally raped in prison.  No big surprise here.  Huckabee is so self-righteous, it has to be an act.  In fact, I propose that Huckabee is evil and quite possibly the spawn of satan or the anti-christ.  On that note, I never fully understood the concept of the anti-christ, so would life cease to exist like on Star Trek if JC and the anti-christ shook hands?  Anyway, I guess the point is, I think Huckabee is a ginormous ass-bag and it appears that many TD readers would rather be stuck in the ass than have him as President.

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