Mukasey Mukasey Mukasey….. The Attorney General Michael Mukasey once again tap-danced around the issue if waterboarding was illegal and technically torture as he was grilled on the subject in front of the Senate yesterday.  I know this is lame, but I’m going to quote myself from a post I did on this subject in October when this human waste of skin was going through the nomination/confirmation process.  I said:

 I have an idea, let’s line up Bushy-poo, Cheney, Rice, Mr. Mukasey and all of the other neo-con war-birds who are for these methods and have them undergo “alternative” questioning.  After they are interrogated, we’ll poll them to see if they felt they were tortured.

As a coincidence, the Senate Democrats asked a question of Mukasey during the hearing and received this answer (Click here for full ABCnews.com article):

“Would waterboarding be torture if it was done to you?”

“I would feel that it was,” Mukasey answered.

It all really boils down to this, if Mukasey declares officially that waterboarding is torture and illegal, the CIA will be liable for litigation for performing this in the past, this is a cover up and CYA move by the assholes in charge of this country.  The problem is there is a loose definition of what torture is, it mostly includes what you can’t do (maim, rape, burn, etc. etc.).  An exclusionary list of things will never work effectively as the CIA or other clandestine organizations will always be able to come up with creative ideas of torture that aren’t technically torture by the legal definitions.

I have another idea, let’s strap Mukasey down to a board, I will have prepared for a month by working out and sitting in a sauna daily, AND will not shower for the month.  I will then dip my balls on his face (classic T-bag maneuver), he can then tell me if that is torture or not as it technically isn’t prohibited.

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So I’m back from Vegas, I didn’t get arrested, ripped-off, taken advantage of, molested, or even corn-holed. Vegas just isn’t what it used to be. But, I did have a stellar time, and made a decent amount of money on the tables. I will give you some of the details below broken out by day, but not all the details because…. well because I said so.

Day 1: I arrived late, it was after midnight, I went to sleep.

Day2: I played poker for 14 straight hours, on the same table, in the same chair.

Day3: I played poker for 6 hours, took a break, watched a movie, played poker for another 7 hours.

Day4: See day 3, minus the second poker session, then I got on a plane.

Well that was just about it. What was that? Oh, you want more? Ok, here are some brilliant observations.

1) During my 14 hour marathon poker session, all of the TV’s in the MGM Grand Poker room turned to the local news with footage of the casino across the street on fire (i.e., the Monte Carlo). Nobody moved, the games weren’t affected, but here is my conversation with the dealer.

Me: Is that going on right now (me pointing at the TV)

Dealer: Yep, but it’s the back-side of the casino, so you can’t even see it burning from the strip

Me: oh… ok, no need to get up then… I’ll raise

So this is proof that I didn’t start the fire, and when you are gambling and drinking, nothing will phase you, ever.

2) Vegas is just an excuse for the ladies to dress up like sluts. WHICH…. IS… FUCKING… COOL! I never saw so much cleavage in my life. Ladies, please, from the bottom of my heart. You can dress like that in other places too, seriously, like Georgia, or any place that I happen to be. I promise I won’t call you sluts.

3) I like… no, I LOVE, taking money from punk-ass kids that show up to a poker room wearing a track-suit, pulled down hat, wrap around sunglasses, and listening to their iPhones at the table. Dudes, there are no fucking cameras (other than security cameras), you are not on TV, why the fuck are you wearing that shit? I think I was noticeably aroused when I busted out this one douche-hole that looked exactly like the guy described above. If you are so bad in poker that you need sunglasses in order to not give out a “tell”, don’t fucking play. The only guys that can get away with that getup are professional poker players, but they’re probably all assholes anyway.

4) I saw a 21 year old kid drunkenly stumble and fall in the casino bathroom and bounce his melon-like head off of the marble sink counter and then the marble floor. He was bleeding, slurring, and crying. I realized at that moment that I am really getting old. I realized this because I immediately thought about how many years have passed between now and the time when I used to do shit like that, except the crying part, I’m no pussy.

5) I’m really glad Vegas is a 4 1/2 hour flight away, that place is too fucking fun to be easily accessible.

More on this trip later… or maybe not.

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I’m outta here, I’m heading to fabulous Las Vegas for a three-day weekend. Suffice it to say, I will not be blogging while I am in the land of neon lights and hooker trading cards (just walk down the strip if you don’t believe me) and will return with a censored trip report early next week. I will have to honor the NDA (non-disclosure agreement) that Vegas enforces at the airport and won’t be providing details. This trip is brought to you by my wonderfully spectacular wife who in her infinite wisdom granted me the trip as my Christmas gift this year. The real trip is a weekend away from work and the kids so I can unwind. For that matter, it could have taken place in the plains of Kansas or the surface of moon for all I cared, the point was peace and quiet. Alas, instead it was Vegas, now that is some great icing on a big-ass cake.

Here’s me in Kansas wondering why the fuck I was there:

And here is my hairy-beast Vegas dance, which is a fusion of the truffle shuffle, the chicken dance, and the electric slide performed while on acid. Take care bitches.

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Yesterday, good ole vagina-neck Thompson dropped out of the race for the GOP Presidential candidacy (click here for full article). The Total Diatribe crack (smoking) action news-team originally broke the story of Thompson’s vaginal neck and how it would effect his voting draw in November. It now appears that Total Diatribe’s ability to positively correlate Thompson’s conflicting messages of an increase in the war on terror and the military industrial complex (MIC) with tax reform (cuts) and government spending reforms to his vagina-neck have created too much pressure for Thompson to continue in the race. The first signs of trouble were seen after his lackluster campaign placed third (basically a tie for third w/ McCain) in the Iowa caucuses behind Huckabee and Romney. Ever since then there have been sightings of a suspicious substance near his va-jay-jay neck. My first thought was, “holy shit, Huckabee must have banged him in his vagina neck! Sick!”, but upon closer inspection by the TD action news-team, it appears that Thompson’s neck has contracted a yeast infection and he has been treating it with over-the-counter ointment. I just knew the pressure would be too much for him, good luck to you Thompson, and please don’t allow Huckabee to get close to your neck.

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I received the Excellence in Blogging award from two visionary individuals recently, Hungry Mother and Mike the Spazoid.  Like I need them to tell me how much I rule?  Well, it turns out that I do need the recognition from time to time.  It all goes back to when I was a freedom fighter resisting this evil despotic empire (no it wasn’t Bush and Cheney, but thanks for asking).  We fought these asshole fascists for years, and finally blew up their testicle-like base in this amazing battle, so evil was finally punished and good prevailed.  BUT, when the time came to hand out the rewards and recognition, was there any room to recognize this hairy beast?  Hell no.  Those fucking choads took all the credit even though they bitched and moaned the whole way through the battle and training.  Fucking whiners.  But I got back at them.  I’m not particularly proud of this, but I banged their bitch, and it turns out that she was the sister of the one dude!  How heinous, and he totally slipped her tongue, I don’t know how he didn’t kill himself after that one.  We still rip on that little bitch for that.  Photographic evidence below… oh yeah, thanks for the blog award bitches…

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Chances are, you have seen a lot of commercial construction sites for new sub-divisions, shopping centers, office buildings,  or malls.  At these sites the construction companies typically will put up a small billboard advertising themselves as the builder.  In the southeast, there are a number of usual suspects in the commercial building game and one of the most notable, because of it’s name, are these guys:

That’s right, Hoar Construction.  So many thoughts race through my head each time I see one of their signs.  Do they actually make whores?  And the name “Hoar”, is that like some sort of fancy European or British spelling of the word that I’m not aware of?  Like “Colour”.  And then, I think no, a typical whore factory would be an elitist sorority house (Delta Delta Delta, can I help ya, help ya, help ya?).  But I digress.  After several minutes of thought, when I should be paying attention to driving, I’m dreaming of what whore construction could be.  I mean we can put them together now, we have the technology.  You could start with a desperately vacuous head, like Britney, add some greasy sex soaked hair, toss in some major league TA-TA’s, hands for HJ’s, something in the bellybutton, a tramp stamp, a cooch, legs spread for effect, a smidgen of alcohol, and we’re done.  Please see below for a more technical schematic:

Then you put all of the ingredients in a pot, boil for 8 hours, hack into a government computer, put bras on your head, chant a few songs, put wires on a barbie doll, hit the enter button, and presto whore-o you have yourself a completed whore, or “Hoar” if you are in the EU.  Please see below for an image of a standard completed (constructed) whore.  God bless America….

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The poll results are in, Thurston and Eunice (Lovey) Howell were the most likely to be killed by Total Diatribe readers if they were ship-wrecked on Gilligan’s Island and had a gun with only one bullet.  The results ended with a landslide (victory?), the Howell’s received 71% of the vote between them.  Now in a twist, the folks who would go on to waste one of the Howell’s with their only bullet, would most likely have to dispatch with the remaining Howell in a more personal way.  In a small exit poll, most voters would choose to strangle Thurston Howell III with his own bloody entrails, but this is not a scientific poll as it was taken while I was sitting on the growler. 

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In late December I called Huckabee a scary dude, now I’m leaning towards shocking and terrifying. Hungry Mother filled me in on Huckabee’s inflammatory comments regarding changing the constitution (click here for youtube clip). Here was what Huckabee had to say (click here for full article):

“[Some of my opponents] do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it’s a lot easier to change the constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God, and that’s what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards rather than try to change God’s standards

Steve over at the Axis recently had these words to say about the matter:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you with your Republican winner of the Iowa caucus, Mr. Osama Bin Laden. Ooops, did I say that? It appears that I got my fundamentalist extremists confused there for a minute. I believe that was actually Mike Huckabee who won in Iowa.

I couldn’t agree with Steve more, we talk about State run terrorism and Islamic Extremists, but look no further than our own backyard, Bush has always flirted with the Religious Right and our extremist Evangelical Christians for votes, cash, and sex (I’m just guessing about the sex), but Huckabee has drunk the Kool-Aid.

However. The crack Total Diatribe action propaganda news-team has uncovered that Huckabee is only pretending to be a Christian conservative, yeah sure he was a former Baptist Minister, but we have uncovered his true mentor and spiritual guide. Who could this be you ask? None other than that guy from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, I know it is shocking, but as far as religious extremists go, one is no better than the other. Please see the obviously real, and not doctored in any way, visual evidence laid out below for proof. God (pun intended) have mercy on our souls if this guy is elected.

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Did I say superfight? I meant super-lame. The racially themed squabble between the Democratic front-runners smacked of an avalanche of bullshit. I mean we were clobbered by it from all sides. Obama and his camp accused Clinton and her crew of belittling Martin Luther King Jr’s civil rights work and Clinton’s cronies shot back with the drug talk. This is why I have such a huge problem with Democrats, they are cry-baby whiners. “Oh stop, look at what they’re doing, that’s not fair!!” These guys (and gal) should just shut the fuck up and stick to the real issues. If they spent half of their energy on real platform items instead of meaningless bickering and partisan BS, they may actually get someplace. I knew that the race card would be played eventually, I’m just waiting for Clinton to cry to get the women vote…. What? Oh she already did that? Well shit.  I’m extremely disappointed in all of the Democratic candidates and their recent performance in Congress, they are just whiners… my advice, quit complaining and do something about it (it being anything other than their self-interests).

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A man was charged with disorderly conduct in Doylestown, PA when he put an obscenity (the big F-word) on the memo line of the check he used to pay a $5 parking fine.  Evidently the clerk who processed the fine was offended and the rest is history.  Let me get this out of the way before I rant… FUCK YOU DOYLESTOWN!  Ok, now come and arrest me assholes.  From the article (Click here to read full article):

Clerks were offended by the message, and the disorderly conduct charge was filed because the comment was obscene, police Chief James Donnelly said.

“He was contrite enough to offer an apology, and I think that satisfies the people who were insulted by it,” he said.

So much for free speech… great now we have to worry if we offend somebody, which pretty much makes me fucked in all 50 states.  Sorry, screwed in all 50 states, is that better?  But at least they dropped the charges because they were “satisfied” with the apology.  So what would happen if they weren’t satisfied?  I wrote you a check Doylestown.

We should celebrate freedom of speech in this country, instead we devolve into politically correct bullshit.  On the extreme other side of the spectrum of the free speech debate is the Klu Klux Klan vs. the Missouri Department of Transportation.  In this case MODOT denied the KKK’s application to enter into the adopt-a-highway program, the KKK sued and eventually won when MODOT lost an appeal.  I agree with the KKK in this instance (even if they are ignorant douche-bags) based solely on our rights of free speech.  The best part about this story is, MODOT changed the name of the highway to “Rosa Parks Highway” in a bit of a “fuck you” to the KKK, good for you Missouri.  It turned out the KKK were dropped from the program after all, when they never showed up to clean up the highway, I guess you can’t teach assholes new tricks, or get lazy racist rednecks out of their trailers to pick up trash.

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