Total Diatribe now includes polls…. well, I guess that’s it, were you expecting more?

Check it out over there:

Share This

I had tinkered with Google AdSense to see if it could generate some revenue for the site.  I think I ended up with a total of 7 clicks out of 7 or 8 thousand page impressions for a whopping $1.33 of pure profit, not so good.  So I’m dumping the no-good bitch.  Call it a failed pilot, on the plus side, the site doesn’t look as cluttered.  I think it will take a lot of convincing for me to put ads back up and at least an order of magnitude increase in traffic before I reconsidered.

Share This

Debra LaFave is due back in court in January, this time on probation violation.  For those of you who don’t remember, LaFave was convicted of “lewd and lascivious battery on a child under the age of 16″ and admitted to having sex with a 14 year old male student five times.  LaFave’s probation violation?  She shared a conversation about her personal life with a 16 year old.  That bitch! 

I’m sorry, but I can’t vilify this person.  I admit I don’t know the intricate details of this case but putting myself in the 14 year old boys shoes, there would be no victim.  There is a double-standard here, but let’s be real, any 14 year old boy would give his left nut to sleep with her once, let alone five times.  Hell if it was me, I would be king of the world in Junior High.  Not only that, but she’s hot!  Just look at her:

I don’t know about you, but this would be a 14 year old boy’s dream, so in my mind, she’s no criminal, she’s in the dream-making business.

Share This

This time of year we are bombarded with Christmas themes everywhere we go, to be honest with you it is fairly nauseating to me, especially when fucking Wal-Mart rolls out the Christmas shit in late July.  Anyway, just to prove that I’m not all hum-bug, I’ve compiled a short list of my favorite Christmas movies and shows.

TD’s Top 5 Christmas Movies:

1. A Christmas Story.  If you don’t like this movie you should leave this site now.  Seriously, don’t come back.
2. Christmas Vacation.  Nothing puts me in the Christmas spirit more than watching Clark wig out and cousin Eddie empty his shitter in the storm drain.
3. The Nightmare Before Christmas.  Okay, you got me.  I’m into some wierd shit sometimes, what can ya do?
4. Scrooged.  I like this adaptation of A Christmas Carol.
5. Gremlins.  It’s a bit of stretch as it is set around Christmas but not about Christmas, but sue me, it’s my fucking show here people.  Another couple of good ones set around Christmas but not about Christmas are Die Hard and Lethal Weapon.

What’s NOT on this list?  It’s a Wonderful Life, sorry it’s suckalicious.

TD’s Top 5 Christmas TV Shows:

1. How the Grinch Stole Christmas.  Bar-none, the best Christmas show from my childhood.
2. A Charlie Brown Christmas.  Charlie Brown is a loser, yet we still love him.
3. South Park Pilot, Santa vs. Jesus.  I was totally rooting for Santa on this one, and what a great concept for a story.
4. Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.  Where all Rudolph wanted to do was get laid, and Santa was an asshole.  Good Times.
5. Frosty the Snowman.  Lame, but another choice from my childhood.

Share This

It’s Friday, oops, I mean Saturday….  Photo caption contest, winner will receive a big stinking fat pile of nuthin.  My entry is in the comments, please add yours.

Have fun!

Share This

There is a lot of attention this time of year with discussions of the true meaning of Christmas.  You know the sentimental type of stories about Bethlehem, the three wise men, the north star, no room in the inn, some gold and other shit, and finally a virgin pounding out a kid in a barn.  That’s all bullshit.  Also, the true meaning of Christmas is not loot, although to a kid, you bet your ass it is.

 Did you know?

• The bible doesn’t mention a date for the birth of Christ, however common thoughts are that it was in the spring.  Pope Julius I is credited with declaring December 25th the birthdate of Christ in the year 350 AD.
• There were a number of pagan festivals or holidays celebrated around the winter solstice.  This is the reason Pope Julius chose December 25th.
  • Norse Yule celebration where they set shit on fire
  • Mid-winter holiday in Germany where they worshiped a god (Oden) that would fly around at night in the winter and decide who would do well or do poorly (sounds like our pal Santa eh?)
  • Saturnalia in Rome (think of a month long Christmas orgy)
• Santa
  • St. Nicholas, popular with the kids and shit, died around December 6th and people used to think it was a lucky day for decisions or big purchases
  • Dutch for St. Nicholas was Sint Nikolaas
  • Nickname was Sinter Klaas
  • Became Santa Claus in the early 1800’s
  • The gift-giving came right after that, then came those assholes in the mall
• Christmas Trees
  • Evergreens meant a lot to those in cold climates, it symbolized life in winter and often boughs of evergreen were displayed in the homes around the winter soltice
  • Druids decorated their temples in winter with evergreen boughs as they symbolized everlasting life
  • In Egypt worshipers of Ra would decorate their homes with green palms during the winter solstice to mark the return of light
  • Germans are credited with bringing the whole fucking tree into the house in the 16th century (you couldn’t be satisfied with the branches could you?)

In the middle ages, most winter festivals were like today’s mardi gras.  So this Christmas, go get drunk and laid and show your tits to a priest or small child.  Live it up!

Share This

This cinches it.  I’m going back to church, this guys church.  I’ve been wrong all along because:

You trust in hell motherfucka and you already in hell, just like I trust in heaven and I’m already there motherfucka!

I can’t argue with this, it’s air tight.  I now officially have a new hero.

Share This

The second chapter of “Stories from the road” brings us to Cape May, New Jersey on Friday November 14th, 2003.  This is the day before my wedding.  My fiance and I were living in Indianapolis, Indiana at the time, but decided to have a “road” wedding as most of our family members were from the New York/New Jersey/Philly area.  We love Cape May and couldn’t have chosen a better place to hold our nuptials.  Our wedding was held in a Catholic church, and to this day I can’t believe that God didn’t strike me down right there and then due to my fairly open view on how corrupt and sick the fucking church (and most organized religion) has become.  In fact one of my new, but now all-time, favorite movie quotes regarding the Catholic church is from The Departed in the scene where Costello (Nicholson) is talking to a couple of priests in a diner.  This quote sums it up for me:

You recall our chat? Little boys. Sucking on their peckers, etc… and so forth. I am as God made me. Is that your rationale? May I remind you - in this archdiocese, God don’t run the bingo. 

Enjoy your clams, cocksuckers. 

I have a chubby right now from that line.  But I digress.  Our reception was held at Congress Hall, which was quite frankly fucking awesome, and most of the wedding party, guests, and my (now) wife and I had rooms there the night before and night of the wedding.  Coincidentally, there was a film festival occurring the same weekend in Cape May and in Congress Hall.  The guest of honor (so to speak) was Billy Baldwin who was the star of films such as, er, what the fuck was he in?  Oh yeah, Backdraft and Flatliners.  Can somebody say “I peaked in the early ’90’s people!”.  At any rate, Cape May and Congress Hall were pretty crowded due to the film festival and let’s face it, everybody was there to see me.

As I mentioned, this story actually occurred the night before my wedding.  As most traditional weddings go, we had a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the evening before.  After the distaste of a church rehearsal, we had a lovely rehearsal dinner with a nice walk down memory lane in the form of a slide show put together by my father that chronicled my wife’s and my lives up to that point (which was mostly cute pictures of my wife when she was a kid and me acting like an asshole when I was a kid).  After the dinner, much of the wedding party and out-of-town guests “retired” to a bar in Congress Hall, which was a basement bar called The Boiler Room because it was in fact the old boiler room for the hotel.

I had several college friends in town for the wedding and a couple of them were in the wedding party itself.  It was a blast hanging out in the Boiler Room re-hashing old stories of how stupid we were in college and all of the retarded shit we used to get into.  One thing led to another and we started pounding a few beers which led to shots.  One of my good friends from college “Chops”  suggested that we all do a new variation of the standard tequila shot (you know with the salt and lime and shit) called the tequila stuntman.  If you look it up on wikipedia, this is how it is described:

A stuntman is performed by:

1. Snorting the salt from the back of the hand or by using a straw.
2. Slamming the shot of tequila.
3. Squirting the juice from the lime into your eye.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking, well actually I don’t, but yes, we are idiots.  So I tried to weasel my way out of it with excuses like “I’m getting fucking married tomorrow you assholes!” or “I don’t wanna”.  The problem is, I just couldn’t crack their argument of:  “Don’t be a pussy”.  So there I was, lime in one hand, salt on the other, and holding a shot of tequila, which I hate.  And I did the deed.  I would love to tell you it was cool or it was a great experience, but that would be lying.  It sucked.  I snorted the salt, which burned the shit outta the back of my nose/throat, drank the shot, which tasted like Mexican ass, and then leaned back and squirted the shit out of my eye with lime which burned like holy water.  So there I was burning throat, burning eye, and holding back some puke…. good times.  So we did a couple of em.

At this point, the film festival had wrapped up its program and the bar was filling up.  Guess who shows up to the bar shit-faced?  That’s right, Billy Baldwin.  Some celebrities are down to earth and chill, but Billy Baldwin was definitely NOT one of those guys.  He was an unadulterated douche-hole, that’s right I just made that word up.  He was hitting on anything that moved including a couple of girlfriends/dates of my friends, and had a small contingent of old lady wanna-fucka-celeb-hangers-on following him around.  The highlight of our “Baldwin Experience” had to be when we convinced him to do a tequila stuntman with us.  Full disclosure, he didn’t snort the salt, but he did the shot and squirted a little lime in his eye, so I’ll give him that.  The following pic is evidence of the Baldwin siting, in this pic, Chops (in red) is explaining the finer aspects of how you perform a tequila stuntman to a vaccuous Billy Baldwin (he’s the retarded looking guy in blue ).  BTW, in case you’re interested, the old lady wanna-fucka-celeb-hanger-on is in the background of this pic over BB’s shoulder.

Share This

Bush = asshole.  I suppose more accurately, the Bush Administration = assholes.  Because I don’t think Bush is actually in control of his own administration (i.e., maybe he’s not the decidererererer after all).  As reported last week on CNN, the Bush Administration has been ramping up the rhetoric and hate speech vis-a-vis Iran, even with the knowledge that the Iranian nuke program was scrapped 4 years ago.  An excerpt from the article:

In October, the president told reporters, “If you’re interested in avoiding World War III, it seems like you ought to be preventing [Iran] from having the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon.” The apparent gap between what U.S. intelligence officials knew in August and Bush’s later warnings drew sharp criticism from Sen. Joseph Biden, the chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and a Democratic presidential candidate, who called Bush’s explanation unbelievable.

“I refuse to believe that,” Biden said Tuesday. “If that’s true, he has the most incompetent staff in modern American history, and he’s one of the most incompetent presidents in modern American history.”

He’s not incompetent, he’s a corrupt son of a bitch.  I would rather have the last guy, you know, the one who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants, than the slap in the face corruption of this guy.  And to think they wanted to impeach party-boy for fucking what’s her face?  Here’s the thing, this is pretty-much ”in your face” corruption, how bad is the stuff we don’t know about?

Share This

I saw this on youtube the other day, I think it’s been around for years, but holy shit wait until you see the kid in orange after 30 seconds or so, he is sick.

Share This