Nov 04 2007
Observations from the Mall
I haven’t had the pleasure of entering a mall since last Christmas shopping season (that I can recollect that is, I could be repressing shocking memories of mall visits throughout the year for all I know). In between repeatedly vomiting in my mouth and swallowing, I had a few keen observations of the experience that I will share, whether you like it or not.
- Malls suck (I apologize for this redundant statement, but it had to be recorded officially)
- Fye sucks major dog-balls. How is this store still in business? I was checking out Fye’s selection of Movies, and even the older movies are well above what you can find elsewhere. (i.e., Christmas Story was 27 bucks, and Goodfellas was 28 bucks), and the new releases were in the 28 to 35 buck range. I had a movie in my hand (Spiderman 3), but couldn’t bring myself to take it to the counter, I felt like a sucker. Where is the value add here? I can buy new releases from Target, Walmart, Best Buy, etc etc for 15 to 20 bucks. Don’t shop at Fye unless you are a tool.
- I weep for my future. There was a store called “American Girl” there, if and when my daughter smells this store, I am FUCKED! This store has all of the trappings of ruining my existence as I know it. Little pre-tweener girls were walking around the mall clutching their American Girl dolls with a hypnotized “buy me buy me” crazed look in their eyes. We had to distract my daughter with promises to see Mickey to break free of the spell. Which leads me to…
- Disney sucks. Yeah, I already posted about this before, but Disney has little franchises of suck in most malls these days, and we got sucked into its black-hole…. again.
- Mall Kiosks are like annoying spam. Heaven forbid if you even glance at one of their products, these guys (and gals) will be on you like flies on shit (or sorority chicks on Boone’s Farm). And after the kiosk folks get a hold of you it’s like removing a bad virus from your computer to get away. My advice, move quickly and don’t make any eye contact. If they engage with you, point at their crappy merch and yell “some fucker is making off with your shit” and then hit ‘em with a judo chop when they turn. Then run.
- That’s all I can stomach to remember today, I threw up my mouth again and cried a little. I need to call my shrink.
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“Mallrats” is my main truly voluntary contact with malls. The other voluntary contact is when the weather outside is so dreadful that I’d rather get some walking exercise among all of the baggy panted teens rather than hide in my house. My involuntary mall contacts pretty much suck as you described.
Next time you’re forced in the mall, play this game: try to find something manufactured in America.
I can, have and will do my christmas shopping without stepping foot inside a mall.
Up here in Canada we have this thing called Canadian Tire. Check it out, www.canadiantire.ca. If they ask you for a postal code just find one, any one will do.
Ample parking, just about EVERYTHING, good prices, and all the christmas retards are over at the mall.
Too bad your dollar is now worth less than ours, you might have actually saved time and money by driving up here and shopping at the Trash (Canadian slang for Canadian Tire).
Interesting… so it’s not just for tires eh?
I refuse to even drive by the mall from November 1st thru February 1st. And ps, that American Doll stuff is CRAZY expensive. You’re screwed.
Interesting yes, tires are actually one of the fewest things they sell.
In response to wal mart, home depot and the new lowes opening soon, they’re expanding like mad.
You can also open a bank account there.
It’s some crazy shit.
Oh yea, and Mimzie, at 1.07 canadian for every american, i’d drive down there and buy the place out if canadian taxes weren’t 53% of my salary!